Monday 17 November 2014

Where did she go wrong?

So this woman I know, was married to a wife- beater, one who used to unfurl abuses on her whenever he felt like and never did anything worth while in his entire life, expect for splurging away whatever little income the woman earned. He never allowed her to create a home, it always remained a house..

But everyone around was very happy, because she bore him two children and would have the long vermilion mark on her forehead and would wear bangles and be the dutiful wife that she was expected to be in our society. Bear the brunt of this man's beatings, but still continue to lay in bed for him and give birth to his children. Keep hearing an abuse or two, but still go back home and cook the most elaborate meal for him. Let him steal and sell all your jewellery, but you continue earning and running the household because it's your duty. 

So it was a great set-up. and everything was working smoothly. The woman was respected amongst the people for doing all that she did, and she never did utter a word of discontentment to anyone. Only her body would let out signs of what was happening to her. The bruised cheek or the swollen eye, could not be hidden so well under the vermilion and the bangles after all!! But respect she was getting in plenty for being the hard worker in the house.. No one dared interfere because it was none of their business. 

Soon after I came in contact with this woman, her husband died. In one of his drunk driving adventures he had met with an accident and couldn't survive. So the woman should have been distraught by her husband's death because she was a dutiful wife, right!!!

Well soon after his death when I got a chance to speak with her, she said for the first time in my life the house feels like home! My children are happier because no more beating episodes and I am able to buy things for the house, since no one is stealing my money. But loosing respect in the eyes of the society, was her fate now, of course because she was a widow! How could she still dress up so well, her husband had passed away recently.. How could she be happy, when she had recently been widowed. It was an eye-sore for the people around to see her happy.

And I saw her status descending further in the eyes of the so called well wishers, when she moved in with another man. She all of a sudden was a character less woman and people would avoid even talking to her. Now if an illiterate person told me this, I would have given it to the ignorance but the well educated class talking such was completely unacceptable to me. 

What wrong did she do? She didn't abandon her husband and elope with her lover leaving her kids behind! She had been a dutiful wife, despite all the adversities she faced in her married life. She had stood by the husband, no matter how much he beat her or harassed her. She had been there for him and for the family no matter how much unhappiness it brought her. Now that the husband was no more, she was trying to find some love and peace, and why was it wrong??? Doesn't she have the right to live a happy life? Just because she had fallen in love with another man, who treats her with respect and gives her the love she desired, she became a woman of loose character!

I fail to understand the ways of the society, why all the expectations from the woman only? What if her husband would have left her and gone away, the mistake would still have been of the woman, because she was not able keep him! 

Thursday 6 November 2014


She - a free bird, strong willed, fun-loving, devil-may-care attitude.

He - caring, sincere, grounded and extremely loving.

His love had provided a nest to this free bird, which she thought she needed.

Things were going fine, and then the love started brushing off… The roles were getting reversed and he was becoming more of a free bird and the devil-may-care attitude.
But did she want him to be that, because the whole idea of her falling for him was because of the fact that he was so unlike her?

He started caring less and less for her needs and her wants, started getting annoyed by her constant bickering (whereas she thought she was being caring) , started losing his temper on things which earlier were not so irritating for him, started giving her less and less time because work demanded more and more time.

Of course she understood, he was working hard for their own better future, but what was becoming of the present, was making her think if they would ever have that future.

The lovey-dovey conversations had turned into who did what and who did not do what, and who’s mistake was it and who’s mistake was it not, and who should have taken more care and who should have stayed out of other’s business. She was of the opinion that his business was her business, at least which was how it was until now. When were these lines drawn and why was she oblivious to these?
Was she responsible for this attitude of is? Was it actually only her behavior which was leading to him behaving this way, as he often said,” My action is only a reaction to your action”.  So was it only her who was ruining it all? Had she really transgressed (however unknowingly) to a zone where the only person she loved the most couldn't tolerate another comment, another question, another what-ever from her? They were fighting more and loving less. But I a sure the love is there somewhere!

But what could she do? She only had him as a friend now and it came naturally to her to depend wholly on him and no one else. Whereas he still had his group of friends, he still had his occasional outings with colleagues; he still had some event or the other to attend. And in the midst of all this he became so occupied that sometimes he didn't have any time to even sms her forget about calling her for hours together.

Maybe it was her fault after all, that she only had her life revolving around him, that she was not as busy as him (or even if she was, she always had time for him) , that she had made herself more and more dispensable!!!

 She rarely got answers from him without and argument, and thus she kept finding faults within herself, what was lacking in her, why was she causing the repulsion, was she really so annoying that you couldn't talk straight to her for anything? This was toxic! It was making her feel more and more useless, making her feel unwanted and unloved, making her feel like running away somewhere and never coming back!!

Not sure what should she do? What should I tell her to do/ what should I tell any woman in such a relationship to do?

You know where the love is still there, but dying a slow death. And both of them are in it, because i-don’t-know they are just in it!