Being Human

Friendships always play a very pivotal role in our life. Right from the time we start socializing as a toddler till we grow old and die.

How strongly they make or break us, impact us, define our happiness and sorrows et al.

Specially the friendships one fosters as a child. They always remain a part of you and you being. It is rightly said, childhood friends are the best friends. But what-if some of these child hood friends don't leave very pleasant memories?

As a child i remember we used to be 5 friends in school, one being our group leader and the favorite of all, let's just call her - "The Queen". This one was the desirable bitch who everyone wanted to befriend and please. The one on who's command people would talk to you or not talk to you. Sometimes you would be left alone in your game periods because the Queen would have proclaimed that day she was upset with you for so and so reason. Some days you would having your lunch alone, because again the Queen didn't wish to have lunch with you. And of course since she was the Queen, the other bees in the colony would only follow her diktat.

During those days you would all but cry in a corner, hiding your tears from everyone, lest you would be called a sissy. However unwillingly you would be getting bullied by the whims and fancies of the queen.

Years later, when I think about this situation I only wonder how this Queen's behavior altered the personalities of the other children around. My observations now, on how the child's psyche must be getting impacted in the long run:

• The other bees in the class would lack leadership skills and would always be people pleasers because of the fear of standing out. They would always go with the herd and wouldn't dare speak their mind
• The one who was left isolated, would feel insecure and would always remain in self-doubt. Would never really understand what he/she did which made them drift away from him/her.
• Also, the one who was left isolated would have deep scars in his mind because of such treatment from the peers. He would either internalize it and keep it pent up and every failure he faces from people around would add a brick to this wall. OR he would become a rebel and care less and less about the world around him because no matter what he does - haters gonna hate! But this would impact his bonds with people in the longer run.

I have known people, and have been one of them who carry a lot of hurt from their childhood into their adult lives. 

My conclusion from this: it's very important that we make our children compassionate. We teach them how important it is to be humans first and superior or inferior later. How it is very important to be kind and loving to people around us. 

Hopefully by doing this, we would help them in understanding the importance of bonds and how they should be cherished. We would help them in understanding emotional deprivation is one of the biggest reasons people suffer more and more trauma in the later years.

The Chronicles of a Toddler Foretold

As I struggle each day, to balance mommy-hood and the working woman dynamics, my grey cells are turning even greyer ( so much so, they have started showing in the form of greys on my head ).

Have been perilously wanting to get back my abandoned blog , but kept failing with my each attempt.. The writer's block had struck me and I thought I didn't even know how to write!! So, this morning en-route office it came upon me to write about what eats up my time and energy and whatever else is left ;-)

Following is a summary of events of how a day would pass, for most of us having a toddler at home.
And for those who don't yet have one -- wait till it happens to you!!!!

1. The waking up ritual, which would begin with sweet Good Mornings, soon turns into a wailing session the moment you leave the child and go to the wash-room. You only wonder what ensued! When you come out and figure out the reason, you abandoned him and went to the wash room!!! 
2. You start cajoling him into getting ready for a shower and a dress up , since he needs to go to his school and you need to rush to work. He wants to take a shower on his own, brush his teeth on his own and at times even would want to brush your teeth!!! After a good 15 mins, half soaked in baby soap and water you finally manage to step out of the bathroom after a good cleaning up session
3. Dressing up-- Mumma never knows what clothes to wear! The toddler would always dictate what he wants to wear and no matter how much you convince him against wearing Red shoes with Yellow hoodie he would still wear that and go to school looking like a Western Tanager.
   
4. Feeding him before he leaves for school is a zone I don't even want to enter into.. That actually deserves an entire post..
5. And then our saviour - The CAB Uncle (as my little one calls him), comes to our rescue to take him to school.

I forgot to mention during this 1.5-2 hours at least 4-5 times he rolls on the floor and cries for something which didn't happen the way he wanted ( could be anything!! ).

After this I rush to work acting like a whirlwind and getting ready as fast as I possibly can, and thus our mornings begin.

The day goes by without much toddler activity, since mommy is at work and evenings are awaited to be re-united with your baby while you kept thinking throughout the day how you could have handled such and such tantrum better, and how you should not have shouted and how you feel guilty about not being there once he reaches back home from school etc. etc.

You enter the door in the evening and come home to your baby who greets you with a big grin and a sloppy kiss and the warmest bear hug possible. But this all but lasts for 2 minutes when you are ordered to go to the room and fetch this or that from one of the almirah's.

You ask for time to freshen up and change- and a tantrum breaks.. You convince him as soon as you are done with getting into your pyjamas and freshening up you would do all that he demands. 5 mins are given to you in which you can't lock the door for the fear that you would leave him out of the room. A quick dress change later you are at the mercy of your little prince/ princess!

While you try your best to discipline him tactfully while playing with him and a tantrum or two are thrown your way. You try to be patient for as long as you can and then go fetch dinner.. 

What happens from Dinner till bed time is chaos, noise, shouting in between cuddles and kissing the owies several times.

Bedtime-- what is that? Who want's to sleep? Not the toddler for sure! Today the lullaby would be sung by the toddler and mumma would be put to bed!!!

The "NOT-SO-SOCIAL" Social life

"Good morning!" I am what's app'ed by a meaning well-wisher and I return the favour by wishing him/her the same. A few pleasantries are exchanged and then we all carry on with the rest of our days..

Grumbling, laughing, hating-each-moment of the day, being happy for another day in your life, delighted at the break of dawn, being irritated with just about everything in life..each of us feeling differently as we open our eyes- are wished and prayed for having a good morning! I often wonder do these forwarded messages really mean anything ? Or are they just forwarded because in a group on what's app you can't be the one left behind in wishing all and sundry and telling them how good your morning feels! What is even more annoying is, you might have not wished a "Good Morning" to the person sleeping next to you or your family at home, but marking your presence in the virtual world is more important and way beyond your presence in the real world.

People often think checking in at various spots and displaying them on your timeline adds to the cool quotient, and what is even better click a selfie and post it there! Look how cool my life is! ( I am also guilty of doing the first one, but sometimes the bug does get onto you i guess ;-) ) . Bugger as you sit in your blanket on a cold winter day, gritting your teeth and taking your sinusitis pills and laughing to some stupid comedy show on T.V. and thinking I am enjoying life! Well, reality check-- here's my life, taking me to places, making me travel to all the hottest joints in town, making me have a zillion friends ( who might never be around when I need them the most!) see how gloated I feel. As if they are announcing to the world their's is the only life worth living and you all are living but a sham!

 Image courtesy: Google Images

But then come to think of it, this person is only interested in updating his Facebook or what's app status and according to me, is not really having a good time, because if he would have then he would have completely forgotten about the phone and updating the darn status! 

Another agenda in these people's lives is to get dressed and change your DP everyday and garner as many likes as you possibly could.. In fact, some go to the extent of asking you to like their new DP! Not that I mind doing it, but imagine how hard we are struggling for acceptance here! We want to be liked by people and to be accepted by them even in the virtual world!

You can send 10 thousand smileys over the phone, but when the person is in front of you, if you don't care so much as to even pass a smile, makes it all look like a façade!

How I wish those simple days where people used to pick up the phone to call and wish a birthday, or an anniversary or another important day in someone's life could come back! How I wish, people would actually look at you all dressed up and appreciate how you looked, rather than liking your DP..

We might be sitting next to a friend in a coffee shop, but if all we can think of doing at that point in time is to check the last tinker of your phone ( a what's app message is received ), then we really need to think where our relationships are headed! 

When did the virtual world transgress so heavily into the real world? And why were we quiet when this was happening? Why did we let it happen?

I think the SOCIALITY of the SOCIAL LIFE , robbed us of the REAL LIFE!!!

 Image Courtesy: Google Images

P.S. The thoughts expressed above are only my point of view and are not to point out towards anyone..

P.P.S. The up-side is, it does help when you have forgotten someone's birthday and Facebook reminds you! ;-)

Where did she go wrong?

So this woman I know, was married to a wife- beater, one who used to unfurl abuses on her whenever he felt like and never did anything worth while in his entire life, expect for splurging away whatever little income the woman earned. He never allowed her to create a home, it always remained a house..

But everyone around was very happy, because she bore him two children and would have the long vermilion mark on her forehead and would wear bangles and be the dutiful wife that she was expected to be in our society. Bear the brunt of this man's beatings, but still continue to lay in bed for him and give birth to his children. Keep hearing an abuse or two, but still go back home and cook the most elaborate meal for him. Let him steal and sell all your jewellery, but you continue earning and running the household because it's your duty. 

So it was a great set-up. and everything was working smoothly. The woman was respected amongst the people for doing all that she did, and she never did utter a word of discontentment to anyone. Only her body would let out signs of what was happening to her. The bruised cheek or the swollen eye, could not be hidden so well under the vermilion and the bangles after all!! But respect she was getting in plenty for being the hard worker in the house.. No one dared interfere because it was none of their business. 

Soon after I came in contact with this woman, her husband died. In one of his drunk driving adventures he had met with an accident and couldn't survive. So the woman should have been distraught by her husband's death because she was a dutiful wife, right!!!

Well soon after his death when I got a chance to speak with her, she said for the first time in my life the house feels like home! My children are happier because no more beating episodes and I am able to buy things for the house, since no one is stealing my money. But loosing respect in the eyes of the society, was her fate now, of course because she was a widow! How could she still dress up so well, her husband had passed away recently.. How could she be happy, when she had recently been widowed. It was an eye-sore for the people around to see her happy.

And I saw her status descending further in the eyes of the so called well wishers, when she moved in with another man. She all of a sudden was a character less woman and people would avoid even talking to her. Now if an illiterate person told me this, I would have given it to the ignorance but the well educated class talking such was completely unacceptable to me. 

What wrong did she do? She didn't abandon her husband and elope with her lover leaving her kids behind! She had been a dutiful wife, despite all the adversities she faced in her married life. She had stood by the husband, no matter how much he beat her or harassed her. She had been there for him and for the family no matter how much unhappiness it brought her. Now that the husband was no more, she was trying to find some love and peace, and why was it wrong??? Doesn't she have the right to live a happy life? Just because she had fallen in love with another man, who treats her with respect and gives her the love she desired, she became a woman of loose character!

I fail to understand the ways of the society, why all the expectations from the woman only? What if her husband would have left her and gone away, the mistake would still have been of the woman, because she was not able keep him! 

Toxic!!

She - a free bird, strong willed, fun-loving, devil-may-care attitude.

He - caring, sincere, grounded and extremely loving.

His love had provided a nest to this free bird, which she thought she needed.

Things were going fine, and then the love started brushing off… The roles were getting reversed and he was becoming more of a free bird and the devil-may-care attitude.

But did she want him to be that, because the whole idea of her falling for him was because of the fact that he was so unlike her?

He started caring less and less for her needs and her wants, started getting annoyed by her constant bickering (whereas she thought she was being caring) , started losing his temper on things which earlier were not so irritating for him, started giving her less and less time because work demanded more and more time.

Of course she understood, he was working hard for their own better future, but what was becoming of the present, was making her think if they would ever have that future.

The lovey-dovey conversations had turned into who did what and who did not do what, and who’s mistake was it and who’s mistake was it not, and who should have taken more care and who should have stayed out of other’s business. She was of the opinion that his business was her business, at least which was how it was until now. When were these lines drawn and why was she oblivious to these?

Was she responsible for this attitude of is? Was it actually only her behavior which was leading to him behaving this way, as he often said,” My action is only a reaction to your action”.  So was it only her who was ruining it all? Had she really transgressed (however unknowingly) to a zone where the only person she loved the most couldn't tolerate another comment, another question, another what-ever from her? They were fighting more and loving less. But I a sure the love is there somewhere!

But what could she do? She only had him as a friend now and it came naturally to her to depend wholly on him and no one else. Whereas he still had his group of friends, he still had his occasional outings with colleagues; he still had some event or the other to attend. And in the midst of all this he became so occupied that sometimes he didn't have any time to even sms her forget about calling her for hours together.

Maybe it was her fault after all, that she only had her life revolving around him, that she was not as busy as him (or even if she was, she always had time for him) , that she had made herself more and more dispensable!!!

 She rarely got answers from him without and argument, and thus she kept finding faults within herself, what was lacking in her, why was she causing the repulsion, was she really so annoying that you couldn't talk straight to her for anything? This was toxic! It was making her feel more and more useless, making her feel unwanted and unloved, making her feel like running away somewhere and never coming back!!

Not sure what should she do? What should I tell her to do/ what should I tell any woman in such a relationship to do?

You know where the love is still there, but dying a slow death. And both of them are in it, because i-don’t-know they are just in it!

Take it NO MORE

I watched and pondered and pondered some more and then some more about the rape cases covered in the Satyamev Jayate episode aired last weekend.

The statistics said it all- so it's not about the dress, the age, the looks, the time at which she chooses to venture out, she is out with a male friend  or the chowmein or the junk food that one eats which instigate a rapist. IN YOUR FACE people who blamed girls all this while, they got it because they were asking for it!!!

What has been on my mind for quite sometime now is the number of cases, which are never registered. Or rather the number of girls who never muster enough strength to as much as go to their parents and confide that something this brutal has happened with them.

And is it just the rape which harms the modesty of the girl? Recently came to know of a girl on whom there was a rape attempt.

This girl was on her way to college, in her regular means of transport; the auto-rickshaw, at her usual time- around 8-ish in the morning, in a very hustling and bustling part of the city. And the auto driver had the audacity of trying to impose himself on her, in bright day light! Thankfully a fellow Samaritan noticed what was happening and rescued the girl from the situation. The auto driver fled from the situation and the girl was in no condition to even have noted the number of the auto.

And the girl ignored the act completely and went to the college without reporting a thing!! It was only once she reached the college and collapsed , that her friends noticed the scars on her body and eventually on her soul. Soul because, such incident would not just scar your body, but your soul and the rest of your life will be spent in reliving that night mare again and again in your dreams with a lot of what-if's.

I know there's a lot of stigma attached to the rape victim, but not reporting it? Are you indirectly telling the rapist, that this is acceptable and you can go ahead and try this with someone else ( and maybe even succeed -- God Forbid! ) and then you can walk this earth Scot-free.

I didn't know this girl personally and the identity was kept a secret because obviously the college authorities didn't want any defamation of their institute!

My serious advice to this and any girl- Stay Strong and Fight Hard! You don't need to be ashamed of someone else's devilish act. Report it, no matter how much resistance you face from the police or the neighbors. High time these bastards are taught a lesson.

On this Woman's day, we can only resolve within ourselves- we would not take shit and not be the sufferer any longer!! No Rape attempts will be ignored and no domestic violence will be tolerated!!

Hokey-Pokey baby!...

I didn't think this Indian love for "Ungli karna" read POKING in English was so universal!

Here I sit idle in front of my computer, nothing more to check on Facebook, ok-- let's start poking!! And thus starts the biggest fight in history. You poke some and you get poked in return and then you poke some more and so it goes! Poke! Poke! Poke! Poke! 

Image Courtesy: Google Images

So, why would someone poke someone? Few excuses I could think of :-

1. I just thought of reminding you of my divine presence on this planet and really have got nothing    else to say to you. Please receive my poke ;-)

2. I have been thinking about you and talking to you, but really have got nothing else to say to you..Here comes my mighty POKE!

3. You irritate me, but are still in my friend list! POKE YOU!

4. Just for the heck of it, Poke, Poke, Poke!

5. This is my way of introducing myself to you..Although you might be a complete stranger, with no common friends what-so-ever!%&^%**^%# Poke!

6. Send me a friend request, I might be an old friend of your's...I will keep Poking you till the end of days! Poke!

7. I just wanted to nudge you, but that option is not available on Facebook..Hence you get the Poke!

8. I am very competitive , I start my own fight and decide to win it. So no matter how many times you poke me back I would ensure that I win this war and Poke!

9. I am in love with "ungli karna" and what better way than the beautiful Finger available on FB! Poke!

10. You are not aware of the sexual connotations of Poking someone?? Great! Let me derive as much voyeuristic pleasure out of poking you as possible! Poke!

And after all this research